Our bond with our mother is complex. Feeling deep unconditional love for your mother as well as a repulsion to her breathing next to you is something that many people feel. Do you struggle to feel connected to your mother? Do you get irritated by some of the things she says or does?
Evolving the Relationship
As an adult, and especially after spending many years away from your mother creating your own home and family, the relationship has changed and evolved. You start to notice and embrace the differences between you and your mother. You may begin to recognize the aspects of her character that trigger you, possibly reflecting parts of yourself that you reject or try hard not to be. It can feel threatening and torturous to be faced with these reflections. Additionally, you may notice that your mother hasn't evolved, which puts pressure on you to fall back into the way things were in the past. This can be challenging when you've worked hard to become a different person, someone who no longer speaks unkindly about others for example.
Being Free to Be You
It's essential to place yourself as the child, even though you're an adult. Embrace your authenticity and be true to yourself when your mother is around. Don't try to be anything else. If you normally drop the 'F' bomb and don't do it around your mum, then that would create a fake relationship. Remember, you're both adults now, and she has to live with you as much as you have to live with her. Be free and wildly free to be yourself. Don't take on the feelings and emotions of your mother. You are free to be you. You don't have to groom yourself to fit into your mother's ideals about you. Regardless of her criticism and judgments, let her know that this is who you are today. Even if you want to change your career, hair, and personality every day, you can, and your mother will still love you. It's not about your mother being okay with how you choose to live your life; it's about you living it, loving it, and being happy about it.
Creating Boundaries
Creating boundaries with your mother is essential during this time of transition in your relationship. We need to move from being disciplined and criticized (guided) by our mother to being your own person and making your own life decisions. If you keep it with the same dynamic you had when you where ten, then your interactions with your mum become exhausting. Forever feeling like you're a naughty child if you speak up for yourself. You have complete autonomy over your body and your life. It doesnt belong to your mother. I know thats obvious, but sometimes when you read it it's like a hell yeah, thats right. Your mum may have known better when you were two, but you're a grown ass woman now. You decide whats cool and whats not cool.
Honoring Imperfections
Instead of making your mum feel bad, you can choose to honor her. Our job is to turn to our mother and be with her with an open heart. Look at her with love and kindness, but only if you've put down the baggage you carry from her. Make space for the feelings that arise in her presence. Celebrate both the differences and the similarities between you. Look for what you share and connect through those commonalities. Find activities or topics that you can do or discuss together. For instance, if you both enjoy a particular hobby, engage in it or talk about it. Embrace laughter and shared experiences, which can strengthen your bond.
Navigating the complex bond with your mother is a journey. It requires unraveling the layers, embracing authenticity, setting boundaries, and honoring imperfections. It takes time and effort, but the rewards of a deeper connection with your mother are worth it. Remember, you are not alone in experiencing the challenges of this relationship. By approaching it with love, kindness, and understanding, you can forge a path towards a more fulfilling and loving connection with your mother. Embrace the complexities, celebrate the shared moments, and nurture the bond that is uniquely yours.